Cyberbride's Cyberdiary

I liked that art site that I went to so much I think that I am going to use her designs for my pages and put links to her everywhere. She is my current cybercrush. Her name is Ann at S.S.Studios. So on this page, in honor of Ann, you will only find Ann's Art. I am usually pretty restrained about giving artistic praise but I really love the lushness of these images.

Today I am working on a site for some Indian Bidis. Tomorrow I will be working in a friend's garden all day pulling weeds. I am really short on cash, and still no new job, so I have to be flexible. I don't mind really, I like working, especially working outside. I think it would be really hard to have to work in the garden all the time thought like the migrant farm workers. That is a very hard life.

Well, I'd better go get to work, the dogs ran out of dog food today so I am feeding them catfood. They really like that though since usually I shoosh them away from the catfood.

Tomorrow, after I pull the weeds I will be able to buy them dogfood again and myself some tea. I am all out of Earl Gray and am down to my last bag of Lipton. I should be just making teas from the herbs that I have growing in the garden but I really do like my tea a certain way.

I was over at Amy's house the other night for a barbecue and afterwards her housemate, Malcolm, who is English, made some tea called Peachy Tips. I don't even know if that is how it is spelled. It was so good. Amazingly good tea. I think I like Indian and English teas the best.  Well I keep typing and not working, so I should go.

April 30, 1998

Wow, this just showed how anything can happen at any time. During the night 1/3 of the loquat tree, heavily burdened by ripe fruit, broke off and fell onto my car. I do not think that there is structural damage but I will have to saw my way out of this one. Amazing.

I worked on the website yesterday but still have a lot more to do today. I am braking my coffee fast today since I ran out of tea. It is a flimsy excuse and I will have to think of some penance for this weakness but at the moment I am caught in the folly of coffee indulgence. I mean, hey, a tree did fall on my car in the middle of the night. This is either a sign that I shouldn't drive anywhere today or a sign that I should enjoy life while it lasts since natural and unnatural catastrophes could blot it out at any moment. Wow, like that flesh-eating bacteria or that deadly Ebola/Small Pox cocktail that was allegedly cooked up in that Russian Lab. That Laurie Garret book, The Coming Plague was soooo frightening. I can see how some people would be inclined to huddle in their bed some days.

Well, I should go work on that website now.

May 3, 1998

Well a lot has happened in the last three days. Eldridge Cleaver died on May 1. He wrote Soul on Ice.

I have the loquat tree mostly cleared away from the car so it looks like I will actually be able to drive to the petstore to get crickets for the gecko and the tree frogs.

Marianne D. called tonight and offered me a job weaving torah mantles again. I loved that job. Computer weaving. I am really looking forward to it. That starts Tuesday in Venice.

This morning I had breakfast with Hannah, she is my husband's ex-lover. At one point before my husband and I got married we tried to extend out relationship to include two other people. We had this idealistic theory about what and ideal lifestyle would be for us and actually it meant a marriage with four people. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life and brought me to the brink of such madness that at one point I was in the swirly maelstrom and could not even recognize my own boyfriend (now husband) standing next to me. I thought he was my father come to take me to heaven.

Seeing Hannah was good and also strange. I felt numb at times. It managed to be good though because we were sensitive to the rough spots and continued to veer away from them as we read the signs. Today I told her my suggestion that we write a play about the whole thing - each of us writing one act - Erich probably would not write and act but Hannah suggested today that he provide the  musical interlude. That would be really interesting. SO Rashoman - each of us having such very different viewpoints of what happened. She thought that doing that, writing the play at this time, would perhaps lead to conflict. She is probably right.

On another note, Bryan S. may be coming down from S.F. to stay with us for a bit. He would be doing some cooking and kinda just hangin. Ummm. I feel really happy about it and I also feel some sense of trepidation - just because his lifestyle at this time is so different from my own.  But you know some plants do really well in my garden - there are a few whose needs are beyond my ability. Petunias, Clematis and one or two more. Sometimes it is merely moving the plants to a new location in the garden and they thrive. Sometimes, like I said with the Petunias and the Clematis they just do not thrive. I think we will both know really quickly if he will be happy here. 

Joseph and I are still trying to get pregnant. I have at last decided to see a doctor about it next week.

Well gotta sleep now.

May 4. 1998

Geez when will I learn to keep my mouth shut. I was just part of a whole chain of people telling other people something that got back to the original teller and they got mad at the one who told me. And then the one who told me got mad at me. Hey I take full responsibility. I told the person who I had told who obviously turned around and told the original person. And I could tell you what it was all about but it is all just so trivial that you would gag. Back when I was taking jounalism classes there was a way of getting around this whole thing. I mean if you told a newspaper person something you could expect that it would get published. But if you say first what I am about to tell you is off the record then they are supposed to keep it to themselves. Nobody at any point in this whole thing said anything like this is in strictest confidence or please do not repeat this.   I mean this kind of stuff happens when you have overlapping acquaintances that go back some ten to twenty years. People who know each other that long are still curious what the other ones who they are not talking to now are doing and that becomes a topic of conversation. Anyway. I do not know why I have such a hard time with this. It is supposed to be part of my astrological sign. I am a Gemini after all but blaming it on that seems, kinda weak.

Well that computer weaving job starts tomorrow.

It has been raining all day.

I need to buy my mother a Mother's Day card and the rule here is there is no such thing as too sentimental.

Joseph is in England now. He is so cool. I love his so much. I feel so lucky to be married to someone who I am happy with. I was watching Ricki Lake today while I was cleaning my bedroom (cyclone control) and there were some bisexuals either married or in relationship with a primary partner and another partner and it was so amazing how people could love each other and then hate each other so much. I love everyone I have been with. Hey I don't have problems with separation - although I am friends with most of my long term lovers even the "dangerous" ones that I am not still speaking too are still held fondly in my heart on a certain level. That is something I really liked about Erich. He said the same thing. That he still loved everyone who he had ever loved. There is something sweet about that. Well, today while I was watching I contemplated all the different themes for shows on daytime TV that could apply to me. I can only hope that no one from my past appears wanting to clear up stuff between us on National Television. I mean hey I like to see myself on TV just like everybody else but sometimes I find that I identify with the talk show guests that people are booing at. The thing that always gets me the most is the make-overs. They will have these elegant and eccentric creatures - humans who have made themselves into individuals - beautiful exotics and their parents or friends are saying that they are embarrassed by the blue hair, the metal spikes protruding from the scalp, the tattoos, the whatever and they cut these peoples hair and make them look like everyone else like conservative clones - so normal that they could be anyone or no one and the audience applauds - WOW - hey look at them now. It kinda makes me ill. That conformity thing. Oh that is another thing that I just read is supposed to be a part of my astrological sign - even thought I do not really believe that stuff.

So that friend Bryan is supposed to be coming down and staying with us. I am looking forward to it but I am also king of apprehensive. I mean we have not seen each other in years. We e-mail each other a lot. But who is he really.

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